Contact Mazarine: (503) 673-FUND (3863)

24 February 2014


 February 24, 2014
Category: social media, Web 2.0

Ever wish people would say what they’re REALLY THINKING online?

Ever wonder what would happen if philanthropists were actually honest about how they got their money?

What if you could say anything about your charity job? What would you say?

Imagine if you could actually OUT a bad boss or flagrant abuse of nonprofit resources?

Welcome to my post about imaginary nonprofit blogs! This space is strictly tongue in cheek, no names have been named, in the interest of maximum amusement and minimal litigation. Feel free to write your own imaginary blogs in the comments!

1. Philanthropodium: A place for Philanthropists to feel good about themselves and never worry that their money comes from Goldman Sachs or a hedge fund with dubious investments and they are part of the 1% that is toppling the future of America.

terrible software
Image from Obama

2. Software-Swords: Shitty, Saggy, Sucky, Sad Sack software complaints that will make you cry in sympathy because You, Too, have a terrible donor database or enewsletter software.


headdesk 3. HeadDesk-Nonprofit Management Stories: When your boss had to have sex not just with your volunteer coordinator, but also with your board chair, this is where you go.


4. Ri-donk-ulus Policy Wonks: Your advocacy day attracted one lone volunteer? Your petition got THREE signatures? Your state congress voted to do WHAT? Here’s where you can read nonprofit horror stories from the field.


5. I seem to write only about terrible nonprofits. I confess it is beginning to weigh on my spirit. Ah well. Announcing The Nonprofit Fundraising Marathon where for 21 straight days and nights you run until you have your event, and then you collapse of a heart attack at the finish line! GO GO GO! Cardboard Sign


6. Nonprofit Cardboard Signs Blog: This blog is all about standing by the onramp, watching the cars roll by, waiting for someone to hire you. Each person contributing to this blog has made their own cardboard sign and everyone shall share their trials of getting hired, fired and RUN OVER on the nonprofit superhighway.


7. Ridiculous and Insulting Fundraising ideas Blog: Solo Teabagging. Here’s how it works! You send a cheap teabag to a donor. You say, “Hey, you don’t have to come to some event and get all dressed up! You can stay at home, with this teabag, and have a tea party by yourself, because you have no friends, and then send us money!” Eh eh? (I wish I was making this one up, not going to link to the nonprofit that did it.)


8. Law of Attraction Nonprofit Social Media Success Blog: You don’t need any experience! You don’t need to know anything!  Infants and pets have had success! All you have to do is THINK YOUR WAY TO MONEY, THEN send $9,999 to this blog to get your special social media frauduct, plus dvd, plus book, that will have you making millions off the internet, even if you have just started your nonprofit! PS. It won’t work if you think even one negative thought, even unconsciously, so you must remain EVER VIGILANT! Otherwise your failure is ALL YOUR FAULT.


9. BP CSR Blog: What’s that under the carpet? An oil spill? Oh, THAT oil spill! Oh, haha, That’s SO 2010, yeah, the tourism in the gulf is never going to recover, and thousands of people have lost their livelihoods, not to mention the loss of life to aquatic creatures, birds, and other life forms around the region, well, anyway look, want to buy this cool “I survived the BP Puddle 2010” baseball cap? Can we give you $500 for your gala to save the downy seabirds? What do you mean that’s too little? How about $1,000? That should clean up a seabird, right? Why are you glaring at me like that? Charity Mugger


10. Confessions of a Charity Mugger: Anonymous blog posts by people working for street fundraising agencies. This person had no idea when they were answering that Craigslist ad to “Take it to the streets” that they would be accosting innocent people just trying to get their Double Soy Latte Grande To-Go and trying to distract them from their caffeine headache with a commission driven sales pitch for a charity. Here’s where you can shout at that person who tries to way-lay you every day on the way to work, for the environment or the children or something, and here’s where they can shout back EXACTLY HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT YOU. Schadenfreude delight!

But seriously, do you want to make a popular nonprofit blog?


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4 responses on “Presenting 10 Imaginary Nonprofit Blogs

  1. Jon Stewart should hire you!
    #5 reminds me of the event done with a 102 degree fever. Curiously, the event’s theme was “All Signs Point to GO!” How did you know?

    #7 cracked me up, because the whole point of an event is to socialize and feel super good about being with like-minded folks who are making a demonstrated positive impact. If you’re not using your event for that purpose, then why even spend money on the tea bag? I remember a nonprofit that sent out a super-expensive invitation in a box (!) that included printed up tickets and a bag of microwave popcorn for a “Movie Night In.” I can picture the volunteers sitting around the table coming up with this creative idea — “Hey! Let’s spend $5/person to invite 1,000 people to send in money; then have 100 of them send in an avg $50. Well worth it for becoming known for being so clever!”

    Can’t wait for the Charity Blogging Gold E-Course we’re offering together. If you haven’t signed up yet silly rabbits… hop to it! You’ll be missing the boat (and a boatload of fun — at least for the modules Mazarine writes!) if you don’t.

  2. Mazarine Mazarine says:

    Thank you Pam! Thank you Charlotte! I am SO happy you liked this post! 🙂

    Pam, your old ED sounds insane. Seriously.

    And Charlotte, having a cuppa at home totally reduces your carbon footprint, but to give a nonprofit money because you’re having tea at home? Doesn’t make much sense to me. Maybe if they sent a teabag plus a cute invite for your teaparty to a friend of yours, that would be better?


  3. Charlotte says:

    Brilliant Mazarine! but ooooh #1 hurt! funny how people can be holier-than-though about the righteuousness of their cause, while asking no questions about where their money comes … i.e. happily trampling on other people’s equally valid causes … ‘some people are more equal than others’ eh?
    Have to disagree with you on #7 tho … doesn’t having a cuppa at home reduce your carbon footprint? lol

  4. Pamela Grow says:

    Hysterical!!! I was howling at 3. HeadDesk-Nonprofit Management Stories. If you haven’t picked up a domain for that one, you should. It could well be the People of Wal-Mart for the nonprofit crowd (although I doubt that anyone can top YOUR story!). I CAN tell you about the ED who demanded that I constantly “weed out” our database of 500 in order to maintain eTapestry’s (then) “free” status. Or how about the CEO who found my insistence on good stewardship “quaint and charming” but insisted on focusing her attention on an out-moded event that cost a fortune to run and brought in very little money?